You know what....I am going to respond.

On my LJ I fully express myself. I didn't allow myself that right for far too long. Most of the time, I post rants for my eyes only and no one else sees them. Its my way to let the pressure out and you know what, that shows how damn far I've come. As I have said before, more than once, if you have a problem with what I say, take it up personally. I have IM, PM, email etc. Just because commenting is disabled doesn't mean I cannot be contacted.

Commenting was disabled because I just wanted to let it out, is that ok? I didn't want feed back I just wanted it out of me.

I have reached out, more than once. As a matter of fact I was speaking with KI Meres yesterday about part of the stuff I didn't post, the stuff she cleared up for me. So don't tell me I haven't make an effort when I damn well have!

I've also been brutally honest and openly admitted that social stuff isn't a strong point of mine, as yet. I'm still working on it and will be for a while yet. I do far better one on one than in groups for now.

Those who have taken the time to do the one on one thing, get to see the other side of me.

I have a grand total of 22 people on AIM, 21 of them House members. I don't add without permission and as I have said more than once I don't presume friendship with any one. So yeah I hesitate, a lot. That's me.

Its comes from being bullied at school, it comes from worrying about not being acceptable enough, it comes from my life situation and it comes from not having the best self esteem as yet. And yeah I am working on that too.

It also comes from not having local friends either apart from my unthinking ex Pete. I'm not in a situation that I can have friends easily. I care for someone who has both mental health issues and a brain injury. My mum had a brain bleed very soon after she was born. On MRI it shows the scaring in the area that handles complex problem working and social restraint. So mum will say whatever she wants/do whatever she wants and doesn't care if it offends because she lacks that wiring called social conscience.

For example- she pulls faces in public, makes open racist remarks about people and be verbally abusive and is always right.

As such, having local friends in my life is damn hard. People don't take kindly to my mum's brand of bluntness. Trying to explain that she lacks the wiring doesn't always work. The neuropsychologist had no way of helping either.

Its damn hard to just air your stuff and say hey, I need you guys. I'm not wired that way. I'm wired to care for everyone else and leave myself on the shelf. So...there is it.

Tonight for the first time in ages, after beating my head into a brick wall for months now,I'm just going to say what's on my mind...

Priesthood...feel free to have me booted out if you wish! I'm not sure I care any more or maybe I care too much for my own good.

For months I have felt disconnected from the faith, from people in the faith also. I've blamed myself. I've blamed myself for not being a good enough Shemsu. For not sending enough energy to people. For not giving good enough advice. For not being available enough. For not spending enough time on the boards. For not being popular or interesting enough. For not being part of the 'in person crew' etc

But you know what....

I'm here online for anything up to 8 hours a day, most days. I send energy and most people don't realise it and that's the way I prefer it really. I don't need kudos to use Mum's gift for people. She gave it to me to use and I do so even if I person has no idea. I watch LJ, Twitter, FB and the boards like a hawk and from the simplest sniffles to major problem will get energy sent to help in some way. Its my way of trying to make a difference. Of trying to feel useful. My way to honour the One who gave me a second chance and trusted me enough with something very precious, despite how bloody unworthy I feel about having such a gift.

Advice...some of you tell me I give good advice that helps. Available, yeah I'm here and if not email, offline IM...I'm still easy to get too. As to the popular/interesting side....hey, I've never been that. I'm a nerd, a study nut, a book worm, a loner and that hasn't changed over the years. But I have worked damn hard on me and I've hoped and prayed that I'd become at least tolerated....maybe even acceptable. And I am not sure about that any more....

Just to have one close friend in this faith would be nice. Someone to talk to, to be listened to, to have a laugh with. Am I really asking too damn much. The people I thought were that have just disappeared. There is no point asking because they simply not there. I've got tired of asking...

One time, not so long ago, people hung out, laughed and joked and were there for each other in this church. IM's were fun and you guys made time for people. Now, you have to go to a damn chat to get that. Or you have to part of the 'in person crew' to be good enough in this faith!

I'm sorry, I live in the ass end of the world. It will cost me between 5-7 thousand dollars to come to a retreat, so for me, its not a drop in the bucket. Seeing that I live on 10-12 thousand a year in carer payments its gonna take me a while to get it.

Right now...I don't see the point of saving such a sum. If your not good enough long distance, in person will make no difference!

How many more people feel the way I do? How many more people are wondering where the fuck are their so called brothers and sisters? How many more have to slip between the damn cracks before you wake up?

That's all I have to say.

Aqheretbastmut

Hey sis, are you still breathing????????

Answer your email please!

Done-
Finished section on Martin Luther and intro section on Lutherianism.
Decide what to do about the loan [going to try for the bigger amount].
Do sections on state Lutherianism, Zwinglianism.
Do last Monday's CH lecture
check and see if yesterday's CH lecture is there.

Still to do-
go to bank and set up loan appointment (Friday)
food shopping (Friday)
Ultra radical reform and Calvin.
Read/study till the end of Mark 4
Monday's CH lecture.

Did you know that the Borgia's and the Medici's were corrupt and debauched?

*laughs hard*

Oh nar prof, they were debauched, corrupt, murdered and bankrupted the papacy several times when they got their own people on the papal throne. Like I didn't know that....

*falls off chair laughing*

With the exception of one private filter, I have deleted all other private filters, so if your wondering where the post are they are now private.

TPS, sexuality and healing are no more.

Over the last week I've taken Jasper to the vet a few times and the vet had no idea what was happening. A little while ago, he called. Jasper's organs are failing. Its only a matter of time for him now. So long as he is happy, eating and drinking we make him comfy and wait.

Otherwise its his final trip to the vet.

Simple answer to this one...."Man in the mirror".

"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself then make the change. You got to get it right, while you got the time, cause when you close your heart, then close your mind".

Due to the time difference, I'm doing this early and posting public as someone I'm mentioning isn't on my list but his wife is :)

So, Happy Birthday Tanes and Zaer for tomorrow. *grin*

I've been looking at my flist and have noticed that some people have not friended back or are not using certain LJ's so sometime in the next 48 hours I'll be cutting those LJ's from my list.

The following LJ's will be cut unless you say something-

back_to_venus
bellacrow
bestekeni
dansingjack
seiantishardana


So comment if you wish too.

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Which Egyptian god are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Osiris Osiris is the god of the underworld and the dead, but also vegetation and agriculture. He is the harvest, the bull that dies that others may live, similar to many of the other dead-but-resurrected harvest gods of the middle east. His power is vast, since he rules the netherworld where even the boat of the sun is endangered - if he allowed it even the day would be extinguished. Your Symbols: crook and flail, djed, White and Atef Crowns, bull, mummified form, throne, the constellation of Orion when under the horizon. Osiris 92% Ptah 83% Thoth 83% Isis 83% Maat 67% Nut 67% Ra 67% Horus 58% Nephthys 58% Anubis 58% Set 50%

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You scored as classic rock classic rock 55% metal 35% reggae 25% grunge 20% Indie 20% ska 15% industrial 15% country 5% mainstream rock 0% rap 0% Punk 0% Pop Punk 0% Emo 0% Pop 0%

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You scored as You are Earth. You are Earth. Like a stone it's hard to move you. You're related to green and brown's. You are Earth. 83% You are Fire. 83% You are Water. 79% You are Air. 48%